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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 13, 2012 6:55pm-7:30pm PST

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the sacramento kings which is pretty good. i discovered mcdonalds has a website exclusively for its black customers. yea! the address is 365 mcdonalds has segregated websites, come on, everyone knows the black mcdonalds is mcdowells. i am confident that popeyes only has one website. what you do with the information is up to you. if a company has forward thinking as mcdonalds has two websites then so should i.
6:56 pm >> hey, guys is it safe to eat out of a box with firecrackers? >> stand back it is going to blow. >> dwyane wade was only recruited by 3 college basketballs programs, marquette, illinois state and depaul. tickets are on sale to see me in vegas, we had a lot of fun today, stereotypes are not always true. here are brave african-americans not afraid to go against the grain. ♪ ♪ >> i do not like him, nor do i respect him.
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>> i think i got a little -->> we have come a long way. dwyane wade has 18 post season career double, doubles. all right, that is it for black history. get ready for the next 11 months when we celebrate white history. where ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it fen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. in return i want to wish all of you a merry christ-christmas. i say it that way, so if the atheists try to take the christ out of christmas, there's still one left. [ laughter ] and as you can see, my set is fully decked for the season. i've got my historically-accurate nativity scene featuring mary, joseph, frosty, and the abominable snowman. [ laughter ] i didn't include optimus prime because he does not appear in the king james version. [ laughter ] and instead of the baby jesus in the cradle, i have my book: "american again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, i want you to know --
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unlike jesus, with my book, you won't have to wait a thousand years for the second edition. [ laughter ] speaking of books. papa bear bill o'reilly has been dominating the bestseller lists with his huge hits. i was happy until this. >> you've got "killing kennedy," "killing lincoln." what's the next one? >> "killing colbert." well, i had no choice but to launch "operation killing killing kennedy" to knock o'reilly's book from the top spot. and nation, you did it. yesterday "america again" hit number one on amazon! wooooooooo! [cheers and applause] literally -- literally read it and weep, bill! this is huge. "killing kennedy" has been on the amazon charts for ten weeks!
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nine weeks longer than it took him to write it. [ laughter ] not only did "america again" beat out "killing kennedy," it also beat out the kinky, psychosexual novel "fifty shades of grey" due, i'm sure, to my book's graphic depictions of depraved sadomasochistic sex. [ laughter ] once again, my apologies to doris kearns goodwin. [ laughter ] as for papa bear, i have so crushed my hero, i look forward to his next book "killing a fifth of bourbon in a puddle of my own tears" by bill o'reilly but my book is not the only thing that has captured the imagination of america. the country is gripped by the prospect that i will be appointed to replace jim demint in the us senate by south carolina governor nikki haley. [cheers and applause] and i am raking in the -- it's electric! and i am raking in the
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endorsements. for instance, when asked about my appointment with destiny senator john mccain recently said quote, "he would be a very valued member in that he seems to know everything about us, so he wouldn't have any trouble fitting in." [ laughter ] yes, i'd fit right into the senate. i love any job that has recess. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] in fact, mccain and i are already engaging in some friendly joshing. >> john mccain, was asked what he would teach colbert if he landed the job. mccain jokingly answered quote, "how to shut up." [ laughter ] >> stephen: it's a joke, because he clearly can't make anyone shut up! [ laughter ] now mccain's wrong on one point. i don't know everything about the senate. so here now to educate me is my future former collegue, the distinguished gentleman from new mexico, senator jeff bingaman.
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senator, thank you for joining us. >> [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for getting me ready for this job in january which is imnent. >> terrific. we're looking forward to having you here. i'll be gone but we're going forward to having you here anyway? >> are you leaving because i'm coming? >> no, i was planning to leave before you announced your plans to come. >> stephen: what a shame. i'll miss you in the steam room? >> a degree. >> stephen: is there a steam room? >> there is a steam room. >> stephen: okay. [ laughter ] what do i need to know about the senate? >> well it's not as exciting as you mie expect. >> stephen: i don't expect it to be exciting at all. >> you'll fit right in if you don't expect excitement here. the work here is pretty straightforward. you try to understand the issues that you are going to be voting
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on, and that pretty much occupies the day. >> stephen: and what do you get paid? >> $174,000 is the current salary. >> stephen: not a week, a year? >> this is a year. i know it doesn't compare why your circumstance. >> stephen: $174,000 a year? >> that's correct. >> stephen: how do you live? do you get food stamps? >> i don't but that's because i have a wife who has also been very successful in supporting our family. >> stephen: i should marry rich? >> you need to marry rich for you. >> stephen: good. we note house of representatives is a bunch of losers compared to you guys. do you have the power to walk up to anybody and give them a wedgy? >> yeah, i guess i do. >> stephen: it's worth it right there. i'm going to appointed so i
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don't have to run but to be reelected who should i be beholden to? which lobbies should i look for for cash? >> you are from which state? >> stephen: south carolina. >> figure out who the major influence are in south carolina and roll over for them, i would assume. >> stephen: i do have to physically roll over like a dog and show them my belly or can i vote the way they want me to? >> i think the voting is adequate. >> stephen: do you get a uniform? >> no, you don't. >> stephen: can you wear anything on the floor? >> you are supposed to wear a coat and tie. >> stephen: do you have to because i was thinking a unitard or something like that. >> i think you have to change the rules. >> stephen: can i ask you something about john mccain for a second? >> please. >> stephen: he has ever tried to make you shut up?
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>> i can't remember that, no. >> stephen: he said he would teach me to shut up. >> well, you have that to look forward to, i guess. [ laughter ] >> stephen: why do you want to get rid of filibuster as it stands now and keep in mind that if i do not like yourself i'll filibuster it? >> i think it's appropriate to say if folks want to keep the senate from proceeding to vote on something, they need to continue to talk or have another senator that wants to take their place and talk. >> stephen: i'm perfectly prepared for the new filibuster because i have an opinion to say about every issue. i could keep talking endlessly and not worry about what i'm saying or what the words mean. at the end of the night when the cameras good off, i keep talking. i have a catheter in and i've been on a liquid diet for seven years. >> you are ideally prepared to serve in the senate. >> stephen: are you listening governor haley? that's an actual senator telling
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to you senate me or senatize me? what is the verb there? >> i don't think there's a verb. >> stephen: that's the first thing i'm going dhieng when i get to the senate. senator jeff bingaman give it up. thank you, senator. > steenen[cheers and applaus]
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>> stephen: dwoam back, everybody. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] folks, i spent the entire first act talking about myself, but not all the news is that hard-hitting. for instance, yesterday, this is what everyone was covering: a monkey loose in a fur coat loose at ikea. note to the media: a monkey at ikea is not news. [ laughter ] a monkey building the "fjell" four-drawer chest with no dowels leftover -- that's news. [ laughter ] s. [ applause ] so what's a pundit with no juicy stories to get angry about supposed to do? luckily, the folks over at fox news are always prepared to smash the glass and pull out the emergency muslims. [ laughter ] >> the ground zero mosque was supposed to be a cultural center, remember? >> turns out it's an empty
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space with no community programs dozen of worshipers gather at the site for prayer services. >> it is all pray and no play. >> it's all pray and no play. >> it turns out we may have been lied to. >> you could call this a mos-que-rade. >> stephen: oh, it's a mosque-er-ade all right. i'm in no mah-mood for it, i've jihad it up to here. [ laughter ] the media hajj to mecca big deal out of this. [ laughter ] hummus. [ laughter ] oh. it feels so good to be angry about this again. wait, why was i angry originally? loud music? schwarma fumes? what? >> building the islamic mosque at ground zero is like pouring salt on the wound of the 9/11 victims. >> it is an insult.
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it is deeply offensive. >> it's poking a stick in the eye. >> a finger in the eye of america. >> stephen: yeah, it's a finger in the eye! and america never had time to deploy our three stooges defense! [ laughter ] two years ago, we were told this building would be a community center, but the only community program they have is a class in capoeira -- an afro-brazilian martial art that combines dance and music! fighting, with dance and music? have we learned nothing from "west side story?" [ laughter ] this is great. this is great. there are so many two-year-old stories to be mad about. remember that icelandic volcano eyjafjallajoökull? why can't i pronounce you?! [ laughter ] and what about that two-year-old indonesian kid who smoked? where were his parents?! i mean, now he's four, so it's cool. but back then?! makes me sick. [ laughter ] oh, and don't get me started on lebron james' hour-long signing special. pretty cocky move for a guy who's never even won a
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championship-- is what i would have said. before he did. [ laughter ] folks, 2010 makes me so angry, i just want to -- [ laughter ]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.
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my guest tonight plays a terrorist hunter on showtime's hit series "homeland." i'll ask him not to spoil the finale of "seinfeld"-- i haven't seen that either! please welcome mandy pantikin. [cheers and applause] mandy, so great to see you. >> good to see you. thank you. >> stephen: i'm an enormous fan. thank you for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: stage screen, tony winner, emmy winner you are a legend in your own beard. [ laughter ] let's talk about saul for a second. you are on the hottest show right now "homeland." you are one of the stars you play the c.i.a. chief named saul. how -- did you grow the beard for the part or did you say, i got the beard i'm just going to go with it? it makes you like almost like a
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biblical prophet? >> i was doing a play at the time called "compulsion" and i got the call on my birthday november 30, 2010 from my agent. they said they wanted me to do this. alex called and said would you grow a beard. i didn't have a beard for the my. i grew it for the pilot and i immediately shaved it off and grew it back for the beginning of the first season. >> stephen: how many hours did it take you to grow that beard? >> it's a good question. it takes meel-10 weeks to get it up to speed. >> stephen: really? really? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you try spikes to juice it at all? >> job spikes. >> stephen: miracle grow? >> miracle grow, job spikes. [ laughter ] >> stephen: okay. now, you're bursting, this
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character is like this low key simmering if you arey to him. but you are bursting with theatrical energy. i've seen you perform. when estes is leaning on you trying to get you to drop something you are sniffing out do you want to say don't tell me how to live -- [ laughter ] >> i think -- i think. >> stephen: you think that all the time. >> i do. to be honest i do. >> stephen: being in the show are you less or more frightened about terrorism? does it calm you done or key you up? >> i'm not frightened terrorism. >> stephen: you are not? if you are not frightened about terrorism, then aren't you the problem? because you're lulling -- if your example is not to be frightened aren't you lulling the rest of us into a false sense of security and the terrorist have won?
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i'm frightened about the roots we call terrorism. >> stephen: let's blame america let's hear it. >> i do blame america partially and i blame the other side equally. one of the things i said before we shot the first sen of the pilot was here we have an opportunity not to make a document rix we're making a documentary about right wing america and we asked stephen colbert to be interview and he wasn't available. >> stephen: which i would not be. >> very good. in a drama that happens in shakespeare plays or in homeland you have the opportunity to present both sides of an opinion equally and leave it to the audience to listen and make up their own minds. >> stephen: that is called propaganda. if you give a moment's humanity to your enemy, then he wins. >> what creates an enemy? >> stephen: an attack. >> and why is an a-- attack taking place?
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are you not responsible for anything that goes on anywhere else in the world? you have no responsibility whatsoever? >> stephen: no. >> i don't believe you believe that. >> stephen: it's called personal responsibility mandy patinkin, have you heard of that? >> yes. >> stephen: they hate us for our freedom. >> think about yourself. >> stephen: i think about myself all the time. i think about me right now. >> do you have kids? >> stephen: who is asking. >> i'm asking. >> stephen: yes, i have children. >> do you think about them on occasion? >> stephen: do you think about your sphwhief. >> stephen: i do think about my wife. >> you don't just think about yourself. >> stephen: they are part of me. i think about america, too. >> i do, too, i love this country. >> stephen: do you? >> yes. >> stephen: would you have begun to war against saddam hussein? >> no, sir. >> stephen: okay. so that's fine you with saddam hussein put him back in mandy patinkin 2012? you said that. your words.
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>> you would not go war against saddam hussein. >> stephen: would you go to war against anybody? >> with words, not weapons. i would exhaust myself -- i would die talking before i lifted a weapon. i think that's the answer to the peace until the middle east. peace in the middle east isn't going to be created by another war or violent act on either side. it's going to be created by someone like yourself and someone like me who sit in a room work to individuals who have a belief and who can talk to a group of other individuals and get people to change their minds. it's not a magic trick. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: you've convinced me but only because i thought it was saul talking for a second. there don't think you won mandy
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patinkin. saul won that one. >> i think that the best way to go through life and i've said this to the writers of homeland is i would lick to hire one writer or two and have them write my entire life. >> stephen: it's pretty nice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] 0
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>> stephen: well, that's it for the show, everybody. before we go, hey michael -- do you want to do a christmas carol? >> sure. >> stephen: that would be great. mandy, would you join us? >> sure. >> stephen: all right. ♪ ♪ on the feast of stephen, and
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the snow may round about brightly shown alone at light ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ stand by me if thou most compelling ♪ ♪ don the peasant who is he wearing what his dwelling ♪ ♪ ♪ underneath the mountains right against the forest by st. agnes fountain ♪ ♪ and bring me blush and bring me love ♪ ♪ thou and i will see him dine when we bear thither. ♪ force they went together
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♪ and the bitter weather ♪ stars at night is darker now and the wind grows stronger fails my heart i know not how i can go no longer ♪ ♪ dress thou boldly thou shall find the winter's rage freeze thy bloodless cold ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ therefore, christian men be sure ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: good night. [cheers and applause]>> from cod news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas
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where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. this ends up being about bullies. >> they're being bullies. what are christians supposed to do? ture


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